I’ve been thinking a lot about mortality lately. It’s been no secret that my greatest fear in life is dying. And since I have been through a huge amount of loss, it might stand to reason that I would grow more comfortable with mortality. The truth is, I haven’t, but my fears have shifted somewhat. Living with chronic pain and recently surviving a critical illness, I have come to realize that, while I fear death, I am more afraid of not living life well.
This opens the doors to all sorts of questions: what do I do with my life? How do I live in a way that will make my loved ones proud? What can I do better, more of, try next? What can I do to feel satisfied at the end of the day? I’ve never been one for existential thinking, yet, at times, it’s impossible to avoid. Even further still, thinking about life as one massive puzzle to solve now ends up being so overwhelming, it’s hard to make any real progress or see any life changes.
I think back to when I was first diagnosed with chronic pain, as a result of being rear-ended by a vehicle traveling at high speed. Until that day, I led an active and full life. Massive unrelenting pain changed absolutely everything for me. I was sad, angry, confused, and lost for a very long time until it dawned on me: I was in mourning. Not in its most literal sense, but I was mourning the loss of the life I had. Once I hit that realization, I began to process what I’d lost and what I had become. I broke down life – and all its most challenging questions – into manageable pieces. While it is still a work in progress, I practice this every day. One of my favorite video clips online illustrates the stages of loss in a lighthearted way: Robot Chicken – Giraffe 5 Stages of Grief. While there is no easy formula for how to overcome personal challenge and grief, I encourage you to take a lesson from the giraffe. Accept the change in your circumstance, do what it takes to process it, and take steps to come out of the other side a better, happier version of yourself.
The lesson in all of this, is make life manageable. With great hardship will come the greatest personal growth, as long as you make life manageable.
